Mr Monk's Family Reunion
by McClellan Falk
Summary: A scientific study of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder brings Mr. Monk's extended biological family together for a bizarre and comedic family reunion.


1

BEGIN EPISODE: MR. MONK'S FAMILY REUNION

**TEASER**

FADE IN:

AERIAL SHOT ZOOMS IN TO VIEW SMALL OCEAN COVE SURROUNDED BY ROCKY CLIFFS. POLICE PERSONNEL MULL OVER CRIME SCENE.

EXT. OCEAN COVE – DAY

_CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER, RANDY and other police personnel gather evidence._

_MONK is moving his hands through the air, studying the crime scene. He is wearing fly-fishing boots, raincoat and gloves to protect him from the sand._

_Brush grows on the sea cliffs becoming dense where the rocks meet the sand. Out from thick brush extend the legs of a dead man wearing flippers._

_Sea weed has been pushed up to the rocks beneath where the dead man lies. A single set of flipper-prints can be seen in the drying sand, leading to the body._

MONK

(moving hands through air)

The person who planned this thought he would out-smart everyone... even the police. But his plan back-fired, and his intended-victim survived.

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

Why do you say that? That guy looks pretty dead to me.

MONK

In fact, the plan back-fired to the point where I'm beginning to think the person who planned to murder someone, here, last night,

is that man lying over there.

_Flippers, attached to hairy, bluish calves, stick out from the brush. Monk walks thoughtfully over to corpse and reaches down slowly, with his index finger, to touch a point on one of the flippers. Monk then turns to study the nearby area._

MONK

The person he planned to kill was with him when he died.

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

(Randy standing nearby)

How's that possible when there's only this one set of flipper-prints?

RANDY

Yeah! How could two people come into the cove and one leave without leaving at least...

_Whispering to himself, Randy counts on his fingers. Then, looking confused, he points toward flipper-prints__ and tries, again, to analyze problem._

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

(rolling his eyes)

Three?

_Randy's face lights up as if he had come up with the answer, himself._

RANDY

Yeah! There should be at least three sets of prints! Two coming and, uh...

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

(patiently)

Oonneeeee...

RANDY

One! And one set leaving!

MONK

The question isn't "Why aren't there more prints?" The question is "Why are there any prints?"

This crime took place yesterday, before high tide. If the dead man had been alone, the tide would have washed away all the prints.

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

How can you be sure how high the tide was last night?

MONK

By the sea weed. See?

There is sea weed bunched up just under rocks where the corpse's legs extend from the brush.

MONK

This seaweed was pushed all the way up to these rocks by the tide last night. It's still wet.

_Monk considers the pile of sea weed, then begins laying it out in evenly-spaced rows. __NATALIE's cell phone RINGS._

NATALIE

Adrian Monk Consulting Services. Natalie speaking. Can I help you?

_Natalie EXITS to take call._

_Monk points at the flipper-prints in the sand while still organizing the sea weed._

MONK

These flipper-prints begin midway between where the waves reached at high tide, last night, and where they are reaching now, at mid-day. The other person involved in this death left sometime this morning.

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

(walking along, following the line of flipper-prints)

Okay then, if these are flipper-prints of a person leaving...

(points toward victim in brush)

...why are they aiming in that direction - toward where the victim died, instead of away from the cove?

MONK

I'm not sure yet. All I know is the person that man...

(points to dead man in brush)

...planned to kill must have out-smarted him and managed to escape without a trace.

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

(scratches his head and stares at corpse in disbelief)

So you're saying the murderer somehow became the victim.

_Monk shrugs a "95%" affirmative while moving police personnel out of his way so he can straighten-out a long piece of seaweed._

_ENTER Natalie, holding cell phone._

NATALIE

Mr. Monk! I have really exciting news!

MONK

(cringes, looking up from sea weed project)

Uh oh.

NATALIE

That was AMBROSE on the phone!

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER, RANDY AND ASSORTED OTHER PERSONNEL

(all stop working, cringe and look toward Natalie, muttering…)

Uh oh.

NATALIE

(rolls her eyes at everyone, then speaks privately to Monk)

Your "daring" little brother, decided to take a risk, of all things, and he signed up for a Pharmaceutical Study of the relationship between genetics and psychiatric disorders.

MONK

So the good news must be that this has absolutely nothing to do with me?

NATALIE

No, Silly!

Based on the questionnaire Ambrose filled out, the sponsors paid investigators to locate all the first, second and third degree relatives, in your generation,

and they've organized a Family Reunion to take place at Ambrose's house, as soon as everyone arrives in town.

MONK

(eyes wide in terror shaking his head)

No no no no no no no...

NATALIE

(a little too loudly)

Isn't that exciting, Mr. Monk? In just a few days every single relative you and Ambrose have will all be together in one place!

_Upon realizing the implications of her announcement, Natalie's expression gradually changes to concern._

NATALIE

Uh oh.

MONK

No no no no.

_The police personnel get back to their jobs, shaking their heads, and smiling while Natalie stands there with an extremely concerned expression. Monk, still shaking his head "No," goes over to large pile of seaweed, and begins pulling on a strand to add to the neat rows he has been organizing._

AERIAL CAMERA ZOOMS OUT TO SHOW CRIME SCENE, SIMILAR TO BEGINNING SCENE WHEN CAMERA ZOOMED-IN, EXCEPT MUCH OF THE SEA WEED HAS BEEN ARRANGED IN STRAIGHT LINES.

FADE OUT.

END TEASER.

**ACT ONE:**

FADE IN:

EXT. AMBROSE'S HOUSE/FRONT WALKWAY - DAY

_Monk and Natalie approach Ambrose's house by front walkway. Monk is even stiffer than usual, dreading a conversation with Ambrose._

NATALIE

Mr. Monk, maybe you should discuss the Family Reunion with Ambrose before making your final decision.

_Monk almost falls over, trying to avoid stepping on a crack in the walkway._

MONK

No no no no no no no...

NATALIE

But, Mr. Monk, if Ambrose is willing to take a personal risk like this, don't you think as his, uh, "older-and-far-more-high-functioning" brother, you should at least try to support his efforts?

(slows down and turns to face Monk)

This is your family, Mr. Monk! These are your blood relatives who are coming from all over the country just to have a chance to meet each other and learn more about your family's medical history!

_They continue walking, Monk trying to balance while walking a straight line._

NATALIE

Besides, what you could learn from talking with them might save your life someday.

_Natalie and Monk reach the front porch._

MONK

(turns to face Natalie at front door)

Natalie, this has to be a scam!

First of all, I never heard my parents talk about other family members, of any "degree," anywhere.

Secondly, there's no way anyone sharing my genetic characteristics would break from their daily routine to travel hundreds,

even thousands of miles to wallow in a collective genetic nightmare so a corporation of scientists...

...who are probably even crazier than we are... can find more effective ways to drug us.

_Monk doesn't notice that Ambrose has opened the front door._

MONK

Lastly... but not leastly... there would have to be a far more compelling reason for anyone, even remotely similar to me,

to venture from their tedious, (but not totally horrifying,) daily routine,

out into the vast abyss of unfamiliar-everything-that would definitely and immediately erupt into total chaos.

(pause)

Not to even mention the germs.

(anxiety building)

Unfamiliar bacteria from total strangers and dirty, unorganized things that would...

AMBROSE

(from behind Monk)

What about money?

MONK

(turns to face Ambrose)

Huh?

AMBROSE

Would money help?

MONK

Money? They pay... money? How much... money?

AMBROSE

They pay according to the percentage of annual income we spend on medication,

nursing and assistant services as well as the number of hours per week we spend in psycho-therapy.

MONK

I'm rich.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

INT: AMBROSE'S HOUSE/LIVING ROOM - DAY

_Monk and Ambrose sit facing each other at dining table while Natalie explores Ambrose's piles of newspapers and mail. She glances at local newspaper headline which reads "SUPER-SLEUTH ADRIAN MONK INVESTIGATES BIZARRE 'SEA COVE' DEATH," and rolls her eyes at photo of Monk, Captain Stottlemeyer and Randy standing at the crime scene with flippers sticking out from the brush in the background and organized rows of seaweed in the foreground._

_Another publication catches her eye._

NATALIE

Oh look there's a sale at Brymen's Fashions. They always have pants that fit me perfectly. Let me see, when is the sale?

(picks up paper, causing Ambrose to stiffen

and watch her every move)

Let's see. The sale is April 14th through April 18th... 1971?

(puts paper carefully back where it came from

while Ambrose watches with stern expression)

No wonder their pants fit so well. They've been making 'em since Bell Bottoms...

(wanders off, trying to appear cavalier)

and... Hot...Pants...

_Natalie turns corner and disappears into kitchen._

_Monk and Ambrose face each other solemnly._

AMBROSE

I'm sorry for not telling you about the Pharmaceutical Study... I mean, Family Reunion... sooner.

I wanted to spare you months of worry, especially since I knew you'd agree to take part when you find out what they're paying.

MONK

Don't be so sure of that.

(pause)

(then, casually)

What are they paying?

_Ambrose looks around, paranoid, as if the piles of paper in the room are eavesdropping. This causes Monk to look around._

MONK

What are we looking at?

_Ambrose ignores Monk's question and jots a number down on a piece of bright yellow scratch paper. Monk's jaw drops when he sees the figure._

AMBROSE

You get the most.

MONK

Why do I get the most?

AMBROSE

Well, I would have gotten more, except I never leave the house, so I rarely spend money.

But it's my understanding you beat the rest of the family hands down, based on your costs of psycho therapy,

nursing and assistant services, especially since Trudy...

MONK

(pause, then)

How do you know so much about my expenses?

AMBROSE

(snork/laugh)

Have you ever met me? You know, your bother Ambrose? Your wife Trudy's closest friend and confidant?

(gestures toward piles of paper and mail)

Keeper of the archives of just about everything? Adrian, I've known you for most of your life and I never forget anything!

MONK

(thinks quietly a few moments)

All I seem to forget are the good things.

_Ambrose nods sympathetically._

MONK

(looks again at yellow paper)

What do they get for all this money?

AMBROSE

They gain access to our medical records, except they aren't given our names. All our personal information

is assigned a number. And, of course, we'll have to fill out quite a few forms.

MONK

Still, how can all that be worth this much?

AMBROSE

Well, apparently ours is the best documented seriously mentally "challenged" family in modern history

who have all managed to find ways to support ourselves.

MONK

(twitching head good naturedly)

Clumsy though they may be.

_Ambrose nods agreement._

MONK

How did our family become so well documented?

AMBROSE

Uh, well, one of our cousins has been doing a very detailed, uh, even somewhat invasive, family history.

Apparently she is very skilled at hacking computers.

MONK - AMBROSE

(shakes head) (mumbles)

Isn't that against the law? We'll be having to sign

a release… on that…

MONK

(takes it all in, then)

But, Ambrose, where did all these relatives come from? Why didn't we ever meet them?

Why didn't anyone talk about them when we were growing up?

And if they are "like us," they must be from Dad's side, because he's been the main cause of our family's problems.

And Dad's an only child, and his parents died before he even met Mom.

AMBROSE

Monk, I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this... because I know you've been in, kind of, denial about it…

But our mental illness didn't come from Dad's side.

_Monk pauses, looking down. Then his face stiffens into an indignant glare._

MONK

Don't talk about Mom that way, Ambrose. She was perfect. She always did everything for us and she always did everything perfect.

She cleaned, she ironed, she vacuumed, she washed everything over and over and over and she scrubbed and scrubbed and...

_Realization replaces indignation and Monk gradually regains his composure, nodding his head in grim resignation. They both sit quietly at the table, staring solemnly at their folded hands._

_Natalie's CELL PHONE RINGS from other room. Her voice can be heard answering, (V.O.) but her side of the conversation is too faint to understand._

_Natalie ENTERS living room from kitchen and walks toward dining room._

NATALIE

I'm sorry to disturb your...

_Monk and Ambrose are staring sullenly at their hands._

NATALIE (cont'd)

...uh, "conversation,"

_Natalie frowns and shakes her head at the sight of them._

NATALIE (cont'd)

But Mr. Monk is needed at the Coroner's office. They have autopsy results from the "Sea Cove" case.

_Monk and Ambrose shrug their shoulders and mumble..._

MONK- AMBROSE

(shakes head) - (mumbles)

Freaking "Sea Cove" case. - Wish I had... glamorous...

(then) - (then)

Gotta go. -Yeah, okay.

_They begin to push their chairs away from the table as Natalie picks up yellow scratch paper and looks at the amount written on it in stunned disbelief._

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

EXT. LARGE GOVERNMENT BUILDING/ FRONT STEPS - DAY

_Captain Stottlemeyer is approaching the building from a different direction than Monk and Natalie. They meet in front to talk._

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

We have an ID on the body. His name is Ralph Breezey.

_Monk, Captain Stottlemeyer and Natalie begin climbing the stairs toward Entrance of Government building._

NATALIE

I know that name. By any chance is he Ralph Breezey of the Breezey Mouthwash family?

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

Yes he is. How do you know that?

MONK

Her family is in toothpaste, remember?

NATALIE

Yes. The human mouth is a surprisingly small world.

_Monk, Captain Stottlemeyer and Natalie ENTER Government Building._

INT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING/RECEPTION AREA - DAY

_Monk, Captain Stottlemeyer and Natalie pass Reception Desk and walk toward Elevators._

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

(to Natalie)

Did you know him?

NATALIE

Only by reputation. He was quite the party boy. My parents knew his parents, and I remember them talking about

how they hoped he would straighten upand take his place in their company so they wouldn't have to die in order to retire.

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

Well, they're retired now. They were both killed in a car accident two weeks ago, leaving Ralphy-boy as their sole benefactor.

_They reach the elevator and wait in front of it._

MONK

What are we doing?

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

Waiting for the elevator.

MONK

Why?

_Captain Stottlemeyer and Natalie remember Monk's fear of elevators and, after whining a little, head for the stairs._

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

We went to where the victim used to live, well, more like "flop." Breezey and his new wife Sara, who is, apparently,

of Las Vegas streetwalker fame, haven't been seen since the day before we found his body. Our investigators

found evidencethey were both drug addicts and there were traces of the poison that killed Breezey in the sink.

_They enter stairwell and begin climbing the stairs._

INT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING/STAIRWELL - DAY

MONK

Then the person who called in the report must have been his wife.

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

Probably. The call was made from a public phone close to the scene and we found a pair of flippers, same brand as Breezey's, in a trash can nearby.

MONK

Did Forensics ever find trace evidence to I.D. the second person at the Cove?

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

No, but we found quite a bit of DNA on that second set of flippers.

NATALIE

How does DNA get on flippers?

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

Whoever was wearing them must have walked over sharp rocks, because their was bloody sand all over them.

MONK

That's funny. That area of beach wasn't very rocky. One could easily have walked around the rocks.

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

The DNA results aren't back, yet, and we haven't located Breezey's wife, so we're still pretty much in the woods on this case.

MONK

What are you talking about? What were you looking for in the woods?

Captain Stottlemeyer rolls his eyes as they EXIT stairwell and walk down hallway toward Rm. #307.

INT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING/3RD FLOOR HALLWAY - DAY

NATALIE

Do you think Ralph's wife killed him for the Breezey Mouthwash fortune?

MONK

Mrs. Breezey did have a multi-million dollar motive to kill her husband and we have strong evidence she was with him when he died.

But the evidence is conclusive that Ralph Breezey's wife didn't kill him.

_They reach the door marked "CORONER Room 307."_

NATALIE

(stops to face them)

Then what are we trying to find out?

_Monk and Captain Stottlemeyer open office door and begin to ENTER._

MONK - CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

(shaking head) - (mumbling)

That's the mystery, here. - I wish I knew.

_Natalie looks confused as she follows Monk and Captain Stottlemeyer into the Corner Room 307._

FADE OUT.

END ACT ONE.

**ACT TWO**

FADE IN:

INT. CORONERS OFFICE/AUTOPSY ROOM – DAY

_Monk, Captain Stottlemeyer and Natalie enter door to Autopsy Room._

_The Autopsy room is a little echoey (to enhance comedy effects.)_

_Captain Stottlemeyer, Monk, Natalie and the Coroner stand before the corpse from the "Sea Cove" case. The corpse is covered with a white sheet._

CORONER

The autopsy results support pretty much everything in your report. He's an addict, but the substance that killed him

was definitely not something anyone would intentionally inject into their own bloodstream.

MONK

(chilled)

Yeah, the agonized expression on his face was terrible, unforgettable.

I didn't think much about it at the crime scene,

(holding head)

but I can't get that image out of my mind. I've had nightmares about it!

(pauses to look deep into Natalie's eyes)

Did you see his face, Natalie?

NATALIE

No, Mr. Monk.

MONK

You should look at it.

NATALIE

No. It's okay, Mr. Monk.

MONK

No. I'm serious. I really want you to look at it.

NATALIE

No, really, Mr. Monk. I don't see any reason why I should…

MONK

Natalie! Gaze upon the face of the monster and understand my pain!

NATALIE

Okay, okay, Mr. Monk. I'll look at him. I'll…

_Natalie lifts sheet to view the dead man's face, then does a thing where she screams and gags at the same time._

MONK

Now do you understand how the horror and agony on that man's face will be burned into my memory forever?

NATALIE

(numbly)

Yes, Mr. Monk. I understand perfectly... now.

Natalie covers her mouth and gags again.

MONK

No one should have to endure an experience like that alone.

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

I saw that face at the same time you saw it, Monk. So did Randy. In fact, everyone at the crime scene saw that face and…

MONK

Please continue, Doctor.

CORONER

I think the evidence supports Mr. Monk's theory that the hypodermic containing the poison that killed this man was probably intended for someone else.

NATALIE

(wanders off muttering something about)

… not … in… job description …

NATALIE V.O.

(then, off-camera mutters)

… permanently traumatized …

CORONER

(glances momentarily over toward Natalie, then continues)

If you think his outer appearance is disturbing, you should see what the poison did to his circulatory system.

_Natalie coughs. (V.O.)_

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

And the syringe containing the poison was covered in this man's own fingerprints.

MONK

(thoughtfully)

This man filled a syringe and injected himself with the poison that resulted in his own hideously agonizing death.

Natalie ENTERS scene, wiping her mouth with tissue.

NATALIE

But, if the perpetrator and the victim are the same person, wouldn't that make it a suicide?

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

Technically, yes, but not an intentional suicide.

MONK

Problem is, there's evidence that a homicide was planned involving another person, possibly this man's wife.

And that person may or may not have played a part in bringing about this man's death.

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

And the part that person played may have been premeditated, so we're forced to treat this case as a possible homicide.

_Randy ENTERS door._

RANDY

(cheerfully)

Sorry I'm late. I've been waiting in another room with the wrong corpse.

_Randy peeks under sheet and jumps back at the horrendous sight._

RANDY

Yep. That's the one.

_Randy turns to Natalie and playfully imitates the horrible face, causing her to step away from him, appalled._

RANDY

Did anyone figure out why the footprints were going the wrong way?

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

Oh, yeah. The single set of flipper-prints, going the wrong direction is a real mind-blower, too.

(pause)

We need to come up with some theories about how the other person involved in this managed to survive

and get away without leaving trace evidenceor this case is in danger of going cold – fast.

_Captain Stottlemeyer studies the corpse on the table and scratches his head while Monk nods in agreement._

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

INT. MONK'S APARTMENT/DESK - DAY

_Monk is sitting at his desk. He open's the Sea Cove Case file. What he sees causes him to cringe and close the file._

MONK

Oh no!

_Monk tries to look at it sideways with his eyes squinting - almost closed. It doesn't help._

_Monk closes the folder and sits back in his chair. He looks around the room at the many photos of Trudy on the wall._

_Monk walks up to one of the photos and says:_

MONK

You were all the family I ever needed.

Now strangers are my family, and all we have in common are... genetic defects.

(then, as if Trudy had said something encouraging)

That's true. We do seem to have one genetic strength. We all have jobs.

_Monk wanders back to his desk and, still standing, opens the folder._

MONK

(wincing in terror/disgust)

Oh! That's... just...

Monk puts on sun glasses and tries again to look at the photo but it doesn't help.

MONK

There's no way Breezey did that to himself on purpose. He couldn't have known...

_Closing the folder, Monk sits at the desk and haltingly opens one of the desk drawers. He brings out a Family Photo album._

_The early pictures of he and Ambrose include both their father and mother. But when the boys are a bit older, the father becomes conspicuously absent. Monk runs his finger over the area where the father would probably have been in the photo._

_For the first time he notices people in the background of some of the photos. Monk runs his finger over their images. There are other grownups that look a bit like his mom - and there are a number of children who look like Monk - dark eyes and curly hair._

_In a few photos are male twins that appear to be a few years younger than Monk and Ambrose. In the photos the twins always seem to be poking and pushing at each other._

_In one photo, Monk's mom is holding a little curly haired girl who is at least ten years younger than Monk. The little girl is grinning while holding up in the air some sort of learning toy that has lots of buttons._

MONK

Who are you people?

And why do I always notice the smallest details everywhere except in my personal life?

_Monk looks again at the early pictures of he, Ambrose and their mom and dad. He runs his finger gently over Ambrose, who is standing beside them, grinning._

_Monk then looks at the photos of the family after their father left, and runs his finger gently over Ambrose's image. In the latter photos, Ambrose is always in the background, standing in the doorway, peering out from the house._

MONK

Ambrose. What happened to you?

_From somewhere in his memory Monk hears SIRENS SOUNDING and his MOTHER's voice screaming:_

MOTHER (V.O.)

Ambrose! Ambrose! My baby!

_Monk covers his ears and shakes his head, shaking off the memory. He then puts the Family Album back into the desk drawer and turns back to the Sea Cove Case file._

_He opens the file and forces himself to look at the photo._

MONK

(to photo)

Looking at you is easier than thinking... remembering...

(shrugging)

Which could be the reason why my relatives all have jobs.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - DAY

_DR. BELL and Monk are sitting in chairs, talking._

MONK

I've investigated a lot of murders, but the pain in his face... It haunts me.

The agony he must have felt - the fear - the unbelievable reminds me of something deeply disturbing.

I think it reminds me of... my daily life.

DR. BELL

Why do you think looking at that man's face struck such a personal chord with you?

MONK

I think looking at his face is like looking into a mirror and, instead of seeing the outer me, I see the inner me.

DR. BELL

It seems your self image has recently taken a turn for the worse, Adrian. Are you sure there isn't something else going on in your life that might be adding to your anxiety? Maybe the...

(speaks very carefully)

...Family Reunion?

MONK

Why would the thought of flailing in a cesspool of negativity, with total strangers, while scientists watch us like monkeys cause a drop in my self esteem?

(pause)

It might, however, cause the "Gates of Hell" to open...

DR. BELL

Adrian, did it ever occur to you that your family...

(Monk cringes)

...might share more of your positive qualities than your, uh, other...?

_Monk reaches into his pocket for the yellow paper Ambrose gave him and extends it to Dr. Bell._

MONK

Is that why a Pharmaceutical Company would pay this much money to observe our family for just an afternoon?

_Dr. Bell looks at the yellow paper and fails to mask his shock._

DR. BELL

Oh, my...

MONK

What am I selling? My pain?

I doubt they'd pay that much for my dignity!

DR. BELL

If they're willing to pay this much for your pain, Mr. Monk, I suggest you sell it to them and then leave it behind for them to deal with.

MONK

They can't cure my pain, they can only find new ways to numb it.

DR. BELL

Well, that being the case, I'm afraid you're still left with only two choices:

Say "Hello" to your family...

(holding up yellow paper)

or say "Goodbye" to this.

_MONK nods, reaches for the yellow paper, folds it and puts it carefully into his pocket._

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

EXT. AMBROSE'S HOUSE/FRONT SIDEWALK - DAY

_Natalie is pulling on Monk's sleeve, trying to physically pull him out of her car._

NATALIE

Come on, Mr. Monk! Come on, get out of the car!

_Monk won't budge, so Natalie stops to think of a plan._

NATALIE

Oops, Mr. Monk! There's something on your pocket.

_Natalie reaches into Monk's pocket and pulls out the yellow paper._

NATALIE

Look, Mr. Monk! It's lots and lots of money! But you can only have it if you follow me...

_She tempts Monk out of the car by holding the sheet of paper in front of him._

MONK

Natalie, don't!

NATALIE

Don't what? Don't lead you to where they are paying you all this money?

_Natalie, with Monk following, approaches Ambrose's house. Exactly ten balloons, all the same color, mark the location of Monk's Family Reunion._

MONK

(stops as if enchanted)

It's beautiful.

NATALIE

What's beautiful, Mr. Monk?

MONK

(spellbound)

There are exactly ten.

(pause)

How did they get them so even?

(reaches up to touch balloon string)

They're hard. The strings are plastic and they're all even.

(intoxicated by the balloon symmetry)

They're... perfect...!

EXT. AMBROSE'S HOUSE/FRONT YARD - DAY

_Natalie leads Monk along the side/yard pathway leading to gate of back yard. Path is marked by balloons and signs - all even, uniform and in perfect symmetry._

_Monk is experiencing a rare feeling of tranquility to the point that Natalie has to help him balance as he looks up and around saying_

MONK

It's... Nirvana.

NATALIE

(good naturedly)

Come on, Mr. Monk.

_Monk balks as they reach the gate._

NATALIE

Come on, Mr. Monk! Your family's in there!

_Monk braces himself, fearing the worst, as Natalie opens the gate._

MONK

The "Gates of Hell."

FADE OUT.

END ACT TWO.

**ACT THREE**

FADE IN:

EXT. AMBROSE'S HOUSE/LARGE BACKYARD – DAY

_Very large backyard. Ten folded tables line one wall. On each side, ten folding chairs are stacked. One long Food-Service table (the only table that is set up) has ten heating/cooling pans ready for ten food entries. In the background a portable Dance Floor has been set up. People (extras) are milling about._

_A MAN IN WHEELCHAIR is nagging his NURSE to constantly wipe, attend and adjust him. The Man In Wheelchair's complaints are as relentless as his Nurse's efforts to quell them._

_There is a WOMAN WITH SPOON standing near the Food-Service table, hovering with a large serving spoon in her hand. Her HUSBAND stands beside her, staring into space._

_A large menu, fully laminated and set up neatly on an easel, reads_

NATALIE

(reading)

"Today's lunch will be catered by:

'Clean Cuisine'

We don't touch it,

We don't taste it,

We don't taint it.

We guarantee your food is clean

And we hope it tastes good."

MONK

It sounds delicious.

_Group of people ENTER scene from back door of house. ANGIE is first out. She is an attractive dark haired/dark eyed woman in her late thirties. Angie is followed by TWIN ONE and TWIN TWO, twin men in their early forties who look very much like Monk._

_The twins begin an Obsessive Compulsive counting ritual, at the door, which starts off politely but ends in a push fight._

_Ambrose is left behind, just inside the house, looking out the back door._

_Everyone (above) heads for middle of yard._

NURSE

How long is the wait for the bathroom?

TWIN TWO

About two hours.

HUSBAND

Two hours? How many people are in line?

TWIN ONE

Three.

NURSE

(pause)

Aren't there two bathrooms in the house?

TWIN ONE

Yes.

NURSE

How long is the wait for the other one?

TWIN TWO

No one knows. The person inside only says "Occupied."

WOMAN WITH SPOON

How long has that person been in the bathroom?

TWIN ONE

(shakes head, solemnly)

No one knows. They're starting to call him "THE POOPER."

TWIN TWO

Ambrose said they'll be delivering porta-potties any time, now.

MAN IN WHEELCHAIR

What good will that do?

_Everyone shrugs their shoulders as if to say:_

EVERYONE

I dunno. Beats me! I have no idea.

MONK

(wanders forward, happily, toward the people)

Natalie! I'm home!

_As Natalie watches in amazement, Monk wanders away from her toward the crowd, most of whom are standing in odd-looking pairs, each pair an awkward four to five feet away from each other._

_The only thing the Family Members have in common is they all carry large tote-bags of one kind or other. A large tote also hangs on wheelchair of Man In Wheelchair._

_Natalie hears ANGIE'S voice from just behind her._

ANGIE

The rats have been delivered to the lab.

NATALIE

(jumps a little in surprise)

Pardon me?

ANGIE

Everything's a scientific test.

See those geeks in the lab coats? They have computer feeds attached to their visors and jackets and there are mics and cams hidden everywhere, inside and out.

Everything that happens today will be a scientific test, and it will all be recorded... in detail.

NATALIE

(curious and a bit uncomfortable)

Hi. I'm Natalie, Adrian Monk's assistant. And you are..?

ANGIE

I'm the eyes, ears and common sense of this pitiful gene-pool of self-absorbed, brianiacs.

You can call me Angie for short.

_Natalie and Angie shake hands in a friendly manner. Angie is about 38 ears old. She has dark hair and beautiful dark eyes - a female Adrian Monk. She is stylishly dressed, wearing gloves that enhance her outfit._

ANGIE

Have you noticed that, in our family, everyone born in this generation has a name that begins with an "A?"

NATALIE

Actually, I haven't met anyone, yet. Mr. Monk seems comfortable enough to bond with his family at his own pace.

_Natalie gestures toward the Family Members. Most are squirming, not knowing what to do. Monk is standing with them, at a safe distance, smiling peacefully, but not speaking._

ANGIE

The next generation of our family must all be given "B" names or the Earth will spin from it's axis into space, thus ending life as we know it.

NATALIE

(squinting curiously)

Are you speaking figuratively or do you really believe that?

ANGIE

(squinting suspiciously)

Are you trying to scare me or are you just being funny?

_Natalie and Angie squint at each other for a few moments, then decide to shrug it off._

_PERSON IN WHITE COAT makes announcement._

PERSON IN WHITE COAT

Your hosts from Stonewell Pharmaceuticals would greatly appreciate our valued guest's help in setting up the folding tables and chairs that are stacked against the far wall. Lunch will be served in 15 minutes.

MAN IN WHEELCHAIR

Fifteen minutes? How can anyone set up tables in 15 minutes?

WOMAN WITH SPOON

(gestures with serving spoon as if it's a wand)

...forgot my wand!

TWIN ONE

Does anyone have a measuring tape?

ANGIE

(to Natalie)

The controls are in place and the rats have been introduced to the test environment.

_Angie pulls a level out her large tote, eyes Natalie wildly, then heads for the action._

ANGIE (cont'd)

Let the games begin!

_SHOT focuses on a white line in the grass between where the Family Members had been standing and the area where they have been instructed to set up the tables and chairs._

_On each side of the line is a sign that reads: "NO ASSISTANTS, SPOUSES OR GUESTS BEYOND THIS POINT."_

_Natalie is fascinated to see all the odd looking pairs split up, the assistants and spouses remaining behind the white line._

_To her shock, when the Nurse separates from Man in Wheelchair, it is the Nurse that turns out to be the Family Member._

_The family members continue forward to the tables where, gradually, chaos evolves._

_They begin fighting over tables, or, when a table is set up, they wrestle over which direction the table should aim. They all seem to be carrying tools; tape measures, levels, compasses. The situation escalates to where chairs and tables begin flying over the wall into the next yard as some of the family members cannot cope with their anxiety and try to rid themselves its cause._

_Monk is strangely calm as he stands away from the crowd and allows events to take place without making any effort to try to correct anything._

_Through all the yelling and complaining of the Family Members as they slowly rid the yard of all the tables and folding chairs, Natalie hears the word "Police" and decides to go over to Monk to check on him._

_Monk sees Natalie approaching and he meets her at the white line._

NATALIE

Are you okay, Mr. Monk?

MONK

I've never been so relaxed! It's as if I don't have to worry about anything because they're taking care of everything I would normally be doing. I've never felt this much at home!

NATALIE

You should feel at home, Mr. Monk. You're with your family!

_Monk and Natalie turn to gaze fondly at Monk's family as POLICE SIRENS can be heard, causing the background conversation between the family members to change from hysterical remarks about setting up the tables to hysterical remarks about "Cops."_

TWIN ONE

It's "the heat."

TWIN TWO

Their not here for me. Even Law Enforcement knows that folding tables should be set up perpendicular to the sun.

WOMAN WITH SPOON

How can a table be set up perpendicular to the sun?

TWIN TWO

You always side with him.

WOMAN WITH SPOON

Who?

TWIN ONE

I wonder if they're packing heat.

ANGIE

Where'd my level go?

TWIN TWO

Then set the tables up adjacent to the sun.

WOMAN WITH SPOON

Now you're just screwing with us.

_Captain Stottlemeyer and Randy ENTER through gate, pulling their shields from their jacket pockets._

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

(calls out)

There's been a complaint about a disturbance. Littering or assault on personal property... or dumping?

Who's in charge here?

_The people in the white coats and visors stay in background, observing, while some of the family members run around aimlessly, trying to hide, and others stand, holding their head and talking to themselves._

_The only family member who appears calm is Monk who smiles serenely at the Captain and Randy._

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

(yelling over the chaos)

I will only ask one more time - who's in charge, here?

MONK

(approaching with a smile)

I guess, under these conditions,

(gestures toward havoc ensuing behind him)

...that would be me!

_Monk, Captain Stottlemeyer, Randy and Natalie gather at the white line as the comical frenzy continues in the background. They all stand together, watching and shaking their heads._

FADE TO:

_Monk, Captain Stottlemeyer, Randy and Natalie are still standing in a group near the white "NO ASSISTANTS OR SPOUSES BEYOND THIS POINT" line._

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

(announces loudly)

Okay, listen-up everybody. I have conferred with your

(gestures toward Monk)

"Serene Leader," here, Mr. Monk, and we've agreed that the tables and chairs are safety hazards,

and you will all have to eat standing up. The Family Members calm down, finding the decision agreeable.

_Person In White Coat comes forward to make a second announcement._

PERSON IN WHITE COAT

As you can see, dinner is being catered by:

(gestures toward large, laminated menu on easel next to table and reads)

"Clean Cuisine."

(then)

For your safety we ask that you stay behind the white line while lunch is being delivered.

We will then remove the white line and there will be no further guest or Family Member restrictions.

Thank you for your cooperation.

_The people who set up lunch are wearing full-body protective gear, as if they work for an Asbestos Removal Company. They deliver the food as the Family waits impatiently behind the white line. When the line is finally removed, Family Members charge forward to reunite with their prospective assistants/spouses. They then form a perfectly straight line as they wait their turn to serve themselves lunch, sometimes squirming and sometimes having little "push fights" with each other._

_For some reason, the Lady With Spoon decides to stand behind the desert tray with her large serving spoon and whack the hand of anyone who tries to take a sweet. However, when her husband reaches for one, he blocks her spoon with some sort of defensive gear he wears on his arm._

_Everything on the table is individually packaged. When Monk reaches into the large pan of peas with a serving spoon, the peas land on his plate in a small, squishy plastic bag._

_Monk is so happy tears are beginning to fill his eyes when he hears Ambrose calling out to him from the back door._

AMBROSE

Adrian! Help! Help!

There's been a robbery!

_Monk runs toward house and ENTERS through back door._

INT. AMBROSE'S HOUSE/LIVING ROOM - DAY

_Ambrose is pacing in and out of his rows of saved newspapers._

AMBROSE

(moving from pile to pile, panic stricken)

Someone has been going through my newspapers! Seven of them are missing! October 7, 1982, April 22, 1984, July…

MONK

How can you tell which ones are missing?

AMBROSE

Are you kidding me, Adrian? You've been in this room 7 times in the past 5 years

and you can't tell when something as huge as a newspaper has been moved?

_Monk smiles, relieved at the idea he is capable of missing something._

MONK

Actually… no! I don't notice anything!

_Ambrose gasps, and backs away from Monk as if he is an alien impostor. From off-camera, JACK MONK's voice says,_

JACK MONK V.O.

Hell, I haven't been in this house for over forty years and I can see where newspapers have been moved from those piles.

MONK AND AMBROSE

Dad?

_Monk and Ambrose stand stunned as their father, Jack Monk, ENTERs scene. No one can find their voice until Ambrose gestures over to a section of the room where endless rows of stacked, plastic containers, [marked "Mail" followed by the number of a year,] are jammed full of mail that has been collecting for over 40 years._

AMBROSE

(finally able to speak)

Dad?

(then, weakly)

I saved your mail…

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

EXT. AMBROSE'S HOUSE/BACKYARD - DAY

_Angie approaches Natalie from behind._

ANGIE

Adrian's dad has a photographic memory and an I.Q. of one-fifty, but he's a bit of a slob.

NATALIE

(again surprised, then)

Oh.

ANGIE

I guess they had financial problems, back when Adrian and Ambrose were kids, so Jack took a night-job driving trucks. Then, one night he didn't come home.

NATALIE

How do you know this stuff? And why are you telling me?

(she studies Angie, squinting one eye)

... And how is it you're the only Family Member here able to manage without a spouse or an assistant or an, uh, twin?

_Angie smiles wryly and produces an high-tech Blackberry._

_ANGIE_

(smugly)

This little gem, and its multi-network support system, makes it possible for me to probe any information that is stored on the internet.

It also makes the entire world my assistant.

NATALIE

Oh, so you're the one Mr. Monk had to sign the release for. You're the computer hacker!

ANGIE

I told you, I'm this family's eyes and ears.

NATALIE

(under her breath)

More like a family snoop...

ANGIE

Well, at least I don't earn my living assisting a snoop.

NATALIE

Oh, yeah. I guess you're right.

ANGIE

Adrian's father's here, you know.

NATALIE

Mr. Monk is here? I mean Mister, Mister Monk? Where?

_Natalie begins to bolt toward back door of house but Angie grabs her clothing and pulls her back._

ANGIE

Whoa, Lassie. It's his father, not Godzilla. Let them have some time to catch up.

NATALIE

Yeah. You're right again. It's his father. What am I so worried about?

(pause)

Why are you telling me all this?

ANGIE

Well, you're a bright girl, but no genius. So I figure I can do or say pretty much whatever I want

without being concerned you might generate meaningful consequences.

NATALIE

Geeee... Thanks.

_A Band begins to set up in the background. The twins stand on the dance floor, watching._

ANGIE

Hey! Watch this!

_Angie grabs a small package of chips from the food-service table and squeezes the closed package, crumbling the chips into small pieces. She then runs up to the twins and pretends to stumble, throwing crumbs all over the twins, who immediately begin brushing each other off._

TWIN ONE

Here! Let me help you!

TWIN TWO

No! Let me!

TWIN ONE

Turn around!

TWIN TWO

Just a minute you have it on your...

_At that point the polite brushing-off-of-crumbs degenerates into a comedic slap-fight._

_Angie has returned to her place beside Natalie._

ANGIE

(grinning as they watch the twins)

Funny, right?

_Twin One pulls a Dust Buster vacuum out of his large tote-bag and is trying to vacuum up the crumbs from the Dance Floor while Twin Two points at the places Twin One is missing._

_Twin One ignores Twin Two, which results in Twin Two trying to grab the Dust Buster from Twin One._

_As Natalie nods in response to Angie, in the background the twins begin to wrestle on the Dance Floor._

_Soon the Lady With The Spoon ENTERs the background scene, smacking the twins on the hands with her spoon._

ANGIE

(absentmindedly, still watching twins)

It's too bad about Ambrose, don't you think?

NATALIE

What?

ANGIE

Oh, I guess you don't know.

Apparently, after their father left, Ambrose became a little nervous about leaving his mom and going to school.

Then one day, without telling his mom, Ambrose decided to face his fears and he ran out of the house to catch the Bus

so he would be able to ride to school with Adrian. But when he ran into the street he was hit by a car.

NATALIE

Oh, no. Poor Ambrose.

ANGIE

He was hurt, but nothing permanent. A few breaks that healed. But his Mother would never let him out of her sight, after that.

Eventually, he stopped leaving the house. Do you know about what happened to Adrian's Mom?

_The BAND BEGINS TUNING UP, drowning out Angie's voice. Family Members hold their ears and/or yell out:_

TWIN TWO

Ohhh, nooooo! What song it that?

MAN IN WHEEL CHAIR

...my ear plugs?

TWIN ONE and TWIN TWO

...three battleship...four battleship...

HUSBAND

...gonna need a... Band begins first song by counting...

BAND MEMBER

One two three...

_Which starts a flood of compulsive counting, stomping of feet and acting out of rituals that Family Members relate to numbers. Soon the scene is so confusing that the band looses its focus and timing and the song peters out._

_A few moments later the Band regroups and tries again with a different song - only resulting in the same bizarre scene._

_Monk and his father ENTER back yard through back door. They walk together having their first relatively normal conversation._

MONK

Why did you leave Mom? Was it because she was too clean?

_Monk and Jack Monk sit facing away from house on garden bench._

_JACK MONK_

No, Son. I had to leave your mom because I was too dirty.

(ashamed)

It got to where, every time I touched your Mom, she had to take a shower.

I started sleeping on the couch, then I moved into the garage.

Son, it got to the point where I couldn't go into the house without causing your mom hours of work.

(looks sadly at ground)

I decided to leave because I knew if your mom didn't have to spend so much time cleaning up after me, she would have more time for you kids.

MONK

If that was the case, why didn't you tell me about it Christmas, when we were on the road?

JACK MONK

You had one parent you could feel 100% proud of, Adrian, and I didn't want to take that from you.

MONK

(frowning skeptically)

Then why now?

JACK MONK

(rolls eyes as

if stating the obvious)

Because they are paying me.

MONK

(smiles wryly)

Oh, yeah. I guess I got that trait…

JACK MONK - MONK

(smiling) - (smiling)

From me. - From you.

_They laugh._

JACK MONK

They're letting me leave early because I have a long run, tomorrow.

(gets up to leave)

Also, for your information, those self-proclaimed experts have informed me that it is I, Jack Monk the truck driver,

who supplied the DNA that gives you kids photographic memories.

(winks wryly)

So try to remember that when you think of me, okay?

_Jack Monk hugs his son._

JACK MONK

I love you, Son.

_The tension is apparent on Monk's face as he struggles not to call out to Natalie for a wipe._

_Smiling, Jack Monk reaches into his pocket and hands Monk a small package of wipes._

JACK MONK

Here you go, Son.

_Jack Monk EXITS, walking into the distance as Monk wipes is hands and face. Jack Monk is almost out of camera view as Monk whispers:_

MONK

Sorry, Dad.

BAND

(far in the background)

One, two, three, four...

_Family Members begin, again, their bizarre number-counting, stomping of feet and ritual acting-out as the Band again loses its timing and song peters out._

FADE OUT.

END ACT THREE

**ACT FOUR**

FADE IN:

_Captain Stottlemeyer, Randy, Natalie, Monk and Angie are standing together near back door of Ambrose's house. The dance floor is empty, except for the twins who are watching the band gather the courage to try another song._

ANGIE

(mischievously)

Hey, everybody! Watch this.

_Angie grabs a small trash can from beside the food-service table and scribbles something on it with a Permanent Marker. She then picks up a small Basketball that happens to be on the ground._

_She puts the trash can on the Dance Floor. The words on the trash can read "Ball Holder." She then bounces the small Basketball towards the twins and counts out loud each time the ball bounces._

_The twins turn, see the ball and begin to count the bounces. They both try to grab the ball so they can count out their own ritual number of ball-bounces, dribbling and turning away from each other. When the twins notice the trash can, they fight even harder, even pulling each other down, trying to get the ball so they can put it in the can._

_Captain Stottlemeyer, Randy, Natalie, Monk and Angie stand together watching Twin One pull Twin Two (who has the ball) across the Dance Floor by his pant's leg._

ANGIE

(laughing)

You know, it never gets old...

NATALIE

What kind of job can they hold down?

ANGIE

(as if stating the obvious)

Entertainers! What else?

_Everyone nods in agreement as Monk turns to Captain Stottlemeyer._

MONK

Why did they send the Captain of Detectives on a "Littering, assault on personal property, or dumping" call?

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

We were in the area and recognized the address, so we thought we'd better get over here and protect our friend from flying pick-a-nik tables.

RANDY

Besides, we needed to come over anyway to talk to you about the Sea Cove Case.

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

(sarcastically, to Randy)

Thanks, Randy.

RANDY

(clueless)

You're welcome.

ANGIE

(smiling shrewdly)

You gentlemen came here because you want to know more about what happened the night Ralph Breezey died?

(she smiles Monk's "I solved the case" smile)

No problem.

MONK, CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER, RANDY & NATALIE

You solved the case?

ANGIE

Here's what happened...

INT. RALPH AND SARAH'S APARTMENT - DAY

Angie narrates the following scenes:

INTERCUT BETWEEN ANGIE'S NARRATIVE (V.O.) AND AMBROSE'S BACKYARD.

ANGIE (V.O.)

As I'm sure you know, Ralph and Sara were addicts. The problems began when Ralph started taking some of Sara's share for himself,

and Sara sobered up enough to realize what he was doing. Sara found the stash and began secretly switching Ralph's share for hers.

Ralph didn't understand why he wasn't getting high anymore, so he kept making his share stronger while making Sara's share weaker.

ANGIE

Then, two weeks ago, when Ralph learned he was going to inherit the family fortune, he decided he didn't want to share money or drugs with Sara anymore,

so he took all the drugs for himself and gave her a poison that destroys human tissue then evaporates, without leaving a trace.

EXT. SEA COVE - DAY/DUSK

ANGIE (V.O.)

On the night he died, Ralph had no idea Sara had traded their stashes and that he was injecting himself with the poison he had intended for her,

nor did Sara know her share had been poisoned, when she traded them.

ANGIE

In fact, Sara didn't know anything was wrong until the following morning.

_A Family Member calls out from background making Captain Stottlemeyer, Monk, Natalie, Randy and Angie turn to realize that some of the relatives had grouped around and are listening._

FAMILY MEMBER

Why did it take her so long to realize Ralph was dead?

ANGIE

Ralph had taken all the drugs for himself so, after switching them and taking Ralph's share, Sara almost overdosed. She didn't wake up until late the next morning.

ANGIE (V.O.)

When she woke up to find Ralph lying next to her with that terrifying expression on his face, Sara backed away from him, horrified, and left the cove in the morning tide, leaving no evidence behind... because of her wet suit.

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

That explains the backward footprints, and why she didn't step around the sharp rocks - but why was she wearing a wet suit in shallow water?

MONK

(shrugs)

Why wouldn't she be wearing a wet suit?

EVERYBODY

Oh yeah. Sand. I hate sand. Freaking sand. Gets in all the cracks. Yeah.

MONK

I'd wear a wet suit all the time, except... well, you know.

EVERYBODY

Yeah. Too much negative attention. Hot and sweaty. Yeah. Sweat gets in all the cracks.

ANGIE

Sara called and reported the death anonymously, then hid from the police until she finally realized that she hadn't done anything illegal

and she could come forward to claim her inheritance.

NATALIE

Angie! How do you know all this? Especially when you don't have access to the police reports!

ANGIE

Who says I don't have access to police reports?

(holds up her Blackberry)

I told you, I'm "plugged in" to everything!

_Captain Stottlemeyer tenses up, thinking the Department Computers have been hacked._

MONK

That, plus Sara is standing over there, by the gate.

_Monk gestures to attractive street-walker-type woman who is standing near back gate, looking as if she is waiting for a John. Captain Stottlemeyer shakes his head and smiles._

ANGIE

(smiling, slyly)

Yeah, and there's that... too.

NATALIE

How did you get Sara to talk to you about the case?

ANGIE

Uh, I might have told her I was Adrian Monk.

FAMILY MEMBER

(from background)

So, that's how Adrian Monk "Super Sleuth" solves cases? People come over and tell him what happened?

_Family Members mumble amongst themselves._

FAMILY MEMBER

My dog could do that!

FAMILY MEMBER

"Super Sleuth" my Aunt Ceils's lumpy bee...

Hey! How long is the wait for the bathroom? I really need to go!

FAMILY MEMBER

About an hour.

FAMILY MEMBER

How many people are in line?

FAMILY MEMBER

One.

FAMILY MEMBER

Then why's it an hour?

FAMILY MEMBER

It's Aggie.

EVERYBODY

(mumble amongst themselves)

Oh, yeah. She washes and blow dries her underwear every time... then she vacuums.

Hey, what about The Pooper?

Is The Pooper out yet?

_A line of Porta-Potties stand unused in the distance. Captain Stottlemeyer, Randy and Natalie roll their eyes good naturedly, while Monk just shrugs his shoulders._

NATALIE

(to Angie)

Sara thought you were Mr. Monk?

ANGIE

Uh huh. She asked if Adrian Monk was here, and I said "I'm Adrian Monk," and she didn't seem to notice anything.

MONK

That's fine with me. You can be Adrian Monk all the time if you want. I've been enjoying the time off.

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

If Breezey's plan had worked, Sara's death would've probably been ruled accidental.

MONK

Especially since the tide wouldn't have carried her body out of the cove until it reached storm levels, months from now.

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

Well, she didn't kill anyone, and Breezey didn't commit intentional suicide, so his death was accidental and the inheritance is rightfully hers, insurance and all.

Randy, tell Sara she is free to go but we'd appreciate if she'd stay in town until the paperwork's been filed.

_Randy approaches the beautiful call girl to pass along the Captain's message._

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

(to Angie, flirtatiously)

Welp. I guess it's time to go. But before I do, I'd like to know a little more about how you get your information...

ANGIE

Oh! I was just kidding. This is my first electronic gadget!

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

And I suppose your first car was a Buggiti Veyron?

ANGIE

(playfully)

Well, not my first car.

_Angie gestures toward Randy and Sara because Sara has taken Randy's hand and is leading him away with her._

CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER

Randy? Get over here.

_Randy jumps, startled, and pulls away from Sara, who doesn't want to let go of his hand. Randy follows Captain Stottlemeyer and Angie who are laughing flirtatiously as they pass the back door of Ambrose's house on their way toward the back gate._

_As they EXIT scene, a strange-looking little man comes popping out of the back door of Ambrose's house holding a large stack of newspapers._

POOPER

Nothing like a good read on the old "Lump Stump."

EVERYONE

(mumbles)

Who is that? Oh no!

It must be The Pooper!

Did he wash his hands?

Call the Department of Sanitation!

...must come from Jack's side.

AMBROSE

You touched my newspapers while you were...?

(gags)

POOPER

Making a deposit at the "Doo Doo Depot?"

AMBROSE

I need plastic! Miles of plastic. And a team of... anyone.

POOPER

Just takin' my sweet time on the "Ol' Log Ride!"

EVERYONE

Wipes! Plastic! Fire extinguisher!

_The Pooper passes everyone by and drops the stack of papers on the food service table. All rush toward food service table, then away from it._

TWIN 1

He must be a "Party Pooper!"

WOMAN WITH SPOON

Don't be ridiculous. There is no such thing!

TWIN 1

(points toward Twin 2)

You always side with him!

WOMAN WITH SPOON (V.O.)

He didn't say anything!

_Table falls over and food falls everywhere. People are running around, not knowing which way to go._

_They all EXIT the yard in a stampede._

_The Twins get stuck in the gate doing counting rituals. They finally push/pull each other through._

_The Pharmaceutical team begins packing up equipment in the background._

_Monk is the only Family Member left on the scene._

MONK

Well, I guess the party's over.

(stands and assesses the situation)

Natalie, I'm gonna need more wipes.

(takes off jacket, rolls up sleeves and takes small package of wipes from pocket)

I'm going in.

FADE OUT.

END ACT FOUR.

**TAG**

INT. AMBROSE'S HOUSE/LIVING ROOM

_Monk walks through living room toward front door. As he passes he notices some of the newspapers are wrapped in plastic and marked with scull and cross-bones._

_Monk EXITs Ambrose's house._

EXT. AMBROSE'S HOUSE/FRONT WALKWAY - DAY

_Monk walks down front pathway to sidewalk and turns to gaze down street._

BEGIN MONK THEME SONG: (original song - slow version)

BEGIN FLASHBACK:

BEGIN SERIES OF SHOTS:

EXT. PARK NEAR AMBROSE'S HOUSE - DAY

_Kids playing in park. Child gets on bike in foreground and begins riding toward Ambrose's house on sidewalk opposite where Monk is standing._

_Shot drifts from child on bike to travel up front walkway of Ambrose's house, past Monk, who turns to gaze toward front screen door._

_As shot passes through screen door into the house, the living room of Ambrose's house morphs into Monk and Ambrose's childhood home._

INT. AMBROSE AND MONK'S CHILDHOOD HOME/LIVING ROOM - DAY

_Monk and Ambrose, as young boys, are cleaning the living room with their mother. Their mother is prim and aproned, going from one boy to the other, saying their names (in background of music score) and pointing at spots they are missing. When Monk and Ambrose are finished with their jobs, they stand up and smile, proudly. Their mother's expression is full of love and approval and, in the background of Monk Theme Song, one can hear her say:_

MOTHER

You'll thank me later.

_Monk and Ambrose, as young boys smile up at their mom._

BACK TO PRESENT.

_Young Monk morphs into adult Monk, who is, again standing on front walkway._

EXT. AMBROSE'S HOUSE/FRONT WALKWAY - DAY

_Present-day Monk smiles, affectionately, at the memory and says:_

MONK

Thanks, Mom.

END SERIES OF SHOTS.

END MONK THEME SONG.

END TAG.

END EPISODE: MR. MONK'S FAMILY REUNION.


End file.
